Random thoughts: making familiar pathways

On a night hike

(Well, it was sunny when I started)

No worries, I know exactly where I am

I will address night hiking in a different post…

What I wanted to say right now is- I hiked two of the secret trails in this park and then came back on a familiar trail

And what it made me think of is

(I love a good hiking metaphor, right?!

That is what I think helps me the most when I am trying to embrace new work

I often come up with hiking metaphors when I am being coached

Anyways)

Something I have been struggling with is doing these new things

Because the new things take up so much time and energy

Im not familiar with them

Then I avoid working on them because I feel like I am not making ay progress

Every time I sit down to work on it I have to re-teach myself everything and familiarize myself with what it is I am actually supposed to be doing

In starting new things, new projects, new learning tasks, or whatever, it’s like building new muscle in the brain, building new pathways in the brain, right?

What wires together, fires together

Its much easier being on a wide path like this (this path that you cannot see because I am hiking in the dark)

But because it is such a wide familiar path to me I am comfortable hiking it in the dark

Right?!

The idea came about, the metaphor, that these new activities I am trying to learn, to make into a habit, they are like overgrown or maybe like even brand new paths that have not necessarily been in existence yet. And it takes a lot of energy and effort to explore the way and clear the way and figure out

(That’s what I was coming for — the sunset— right there)

Figure out how it is I want to navigate through this and what would be the easiest and most enjoyable way through

(Yes! This is why I hike in the dark!! —the sunset)

There is a lot of manual labor involved, there’s weeds and burs that will stick to you and distract you

But once the path is made its easier and its familiar and then you can go on it

Today when I hiking, I hiked the secret paths, which were a little bit overgrown

And then I paired it with hiking a path that was familiar to me

So I think that is something I am going to try when I get sit down to do a work task that’s new, that’s new and unfamiliar, I can pair it with something that is familiar to make it an easier habit to create and stick to

If you are interested in being coached around topics like this, check out the links below.

Take care!

If you found this interesting you might want to follow along to the random thought series where I discuss all sorts of random things, connect ideas, share exercises and tools that could be helpful in a really informal way.  Just when I am processing and what’s on my mind

Support my work

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Random thoughts: protect your time and energy in your work and personal relationships

Random thought time!

My camera is squeaking on the dashboard

Right now I am thinking about boundaries with people, and this is twofold.

One is workplace (colleagues & clients) and how you can…

Well, I work from home so it’s not that big of a deal

But if you are in person, we were talking about this in an academic group, Prolific, the other day, how can you stop people from eating up your time by jumping into your DMs (or emails) or stepping into your office if the door is open and chatting for 30 minutes or 3 hours, or whatever it is…

Part of that solution is working from home.

Part of it is keeping your door closed.

Part of it is saying, oh, I have have 5 minutes, I have to make a copy, would you walk with me?

Or, I don’t have the time to dedicate my full time and attention to you right now, why don’t we schedule something for later this week?

There are ways that you can train people, your colleagues or clients, and how they correspond with you. One thing that I do, is I don’t have my ringer on my phone.  No notifications on my phone whatsoever.  I do check my phone throughout the day if I need to, but the people that are important to me, I have trained them to contact me in other ways.  Email, preferably.  I have that on my voice message. So no matter what, a phone call goes straight to voice message (unless it is my son, and that will ring through).

You can set up life rules for how you want to interact with people, how you want to protect your time and energy, so that you can get stuff done. What I think a lot of people don’t know, is hey, you don’t have to drop everything and respond immediately.  Especially if you are working with somebody else or if you are in the middle of a project.  It is okay to delay your response. I think there is so much instant gratification nowadays and people are so used to getting what they want right away, and if you don’t respond right away they are like… you know…

I think that we should normalize making people wait or scheduling meetings in advance.

For me, on a personal level, I am an introvert of introverts.  I am very very protective of my time and energy.   For a very long time I would drop things for people, because that is how I was raised.  I was raised to put everybody else first, put every one else’s needs before myself. That has not served me well.  It has taken me a long time to unlearn that unhealthy thing.  It did me no good. It was harmful to me.

I mentioned I don’t have notifications on.  I occasionally drive a friend to the doctor, and that’s scheduled out weeks in advance.  If that friend wants a ride the same day, I’m not going to do it because that will disrupt my entire day.  I have to take an entire day off of work to do it.  So, it’s important to me to have things scheduled out in advance, that way I can plan out my week accordingly for the time that is going to be spent and the energy that is going to be spent.  I am drained from spending time with people.

The same thing with video chats. I love connecting with people in zoom, and lately somebody has been trying to video chat me on social media, which I enjoy the conversations but, it totally disrupts my entire day. And then I don’t get any work done.  And then I am just drained.

So I am not going to respond right away.  And if I see that person trying to video call me I will take my time and when I can I will send the link to my scheduler and be like, hey if you want to be in a video call with me, schedule a time. You know?

I usually text people back or email people back in the same day, usually within an hour or two. So that is not an issue.

The other thing I wanted to say about this is just because someone has historically been in your life, whether it is a friend or a family member, or whatever.  If that relationship is not serving you, if that relationship is draining you and making you feel not good…if it is not good for your nervous system, it is okay to take space from that person or even cut them out of your life. Obviously, if you have tried talking to this person before, repeatedly about the stuff that bothers you, and nothing happens then ghost them.  You tried (to make things better), they didn’t.  They didn’t listen.  It’s on them now.  You don’t have to try to get them to change anymore.  Because they are not changing.  They are not respecting your boundaries. They are not making you feel good. And that is not healthy. It’s not good for your overall well being.

If someone has ghosted you, please respect that they have ghosted you.

Don’t try to force them to communicate with you. (Take a hint)

They have probably already tried to communicate with you about what it bothering them, and if you didn’t listen, that’s on you.

As I am recording this, it is the beginning of November 2022, going into holiday season between Halloween and New Years.  There is going to be a lot of people who are estranged from their families, from their friends, and that is 100% okay. It is good and it is healthy and those are boundaries that probably should be in place.

It’s not our job to question people why they put time and space in relationships, or make them feel bad about it, or question them about it, or try to force something on them.  If they are not responding, or if they put a boundary in place, if they are estranged from people, then support them in that.  That is a very hard decision for them to make.  It’s not usually ever taken lightly.

That’s kind of my thoughts on boundaries this week, and this holiday season especially.

• What are some life rules you can put in place for how you want people to communicate with you?

• What kind of time and space might you need from people that aren’t healthy for you?

• How are your relationships and the time and energy it takes to maintain them, the timing and level of communication it takes to maintain them, how is that impacting your nervous system?

• Is it making you feel better? Or is it making you feel worse?

• If it is making you feel worse, then it might be a good time to think about giving it some time and space.

So, that’s it.

If you are interested in being coached around topics like this, check out the links below.

Take care!

If you found this interesting you might want to follow along to the random thought series where I discuss all sorts of random things, connect ideas, share exercises and tools that could be helpful in a really informal way.  Just when I am processing and what’s on my mind

Support my work

Hey there! If you find what I do helpful and would like to support my work so that I can help more people, please consider making a donation.

support my work

Let me introduce myself: what is the random thoughts series about?

What Random Thoughts is all about

Random things that pop in my head

The work that I do

The books that I am reading

Podcasts I listen to

The many connections between different fields of study

About me:

I am a rare INTP

A thinker perceiver

Thinking is one of my superpowers

So is calm (obviously)

Gretchen Rubin 4 tendencies: questioner

It all falls in line with my chosen career path

Math teacher for decades

Really think outside the box

Like to do things my own way

Being a questioner led me to coaching

Getting ICF certified to make sure its legit and not woo woo

I need all of the data

I make spreadsheets

I look for patterns and find meaning in it all

I have to convince my self that something is worth doing before I do it

If I don’t see purpose in something or if I don’t agree with some arbitrary rule then I am going to find a way to work around it or do it differently

Because that is how my brain works

Sometimes that can get me into trouble

Sometimes its really great, especially when I am helping others to think outside of the box for things they would normally have thought about or considered.

That’s what I really love about coaching and helping other people to see if their work systems are trauma informed, helping people to process trauma and stress through neuroscience and self care

What else?

(I am self coaching here, this is quite a powerful question!)

I love to explore.  I live in South FL

A lot of my random thought videos are me in the car line or out exploring

I am an avid hiker and typically hike barefoot (unless the ground is too hot, then I put on flip flops)

I love to kayak and paddle board

I share photos and videos on my website here and on social @darbycalm

My business is Trauma Informed Solutions where I have coaching for individuals, professionals and calm conflict program (launching Jan 2023)

Calm Math: tutoring and coaching around mindset and math anxiety

I am a certified family mediator in FL

Trauma informed Pedagogy: I volunteer with Online Peer Mediation Platform: peer mediation, restorative justice, restorative circles, peace education, trauma informed mediation

Helping educators learn how to connect with their students, and co-regulate with their students

I also like to create art, not as much as I used to because I don’t have time for it.  I still try to do something creative at least once a week.

That’s a little bit about me

If you found this interesting you might want to follow along to the random thought series where I discuss all sorts of random things, connect ideas, share exercises and tools that could be helpful in a really informal way.  Just when I am processing and what’s on my mind

If you have ideas for me to think about, drop me a note!

This was filmed just before the 2022 Association for Conflict Resolution conference 

If you are visiting from the conference, definitely drop me a note and connect!

Support my work

Hey there! If you find what I do helpful and would like to support my work so that I can help more people, please consider making a donation.

support my work

Forest Driving in the Apalachicola National Forest/Worst Case Scenario Journaling Activity

Worst Case Scenario/Play the Script Out

Journaling activity

Part I: Write down your fear or hesitation

What’s the next worst thing?

What’s another bad thing?

Play out all of the worst case scenarios, one after another after another

Play it out until you get to the point where it doesn’t seem quite as bad

When to seek professional help: if you come up with more than 8 worst case scenarios for one fear, and it still feels debilitating and overwhelming, seek professional help from a therapist, social worker, or doctor.

Part II: Reframe

What are some possible solutions or back up plans to your concerns?

What are some bright spots or things to look forward to besides dealing with the fear?

What would feel reassuring to you?

_____

This was filmed during my March 2022 retreat 

Location: Apalachicola National Forest

FYI: no cell coverage at Wright Lake on the date of filming, & I did not get stuck

Support my work

Hey there! If you find what I do helpful and would like to support my work so that I can help more people, please consider making a donation.

support my work

Can resistance make trauma, stress, and conflict worse?

Big T and little t trauma, conflict, stress, and things outside of our control can cause negative mental health and physical sensations in our bodies.  Here, we can explore how resistance to those things can make our symptoms worse.

The resistance to things we can’t control, our responses to them, our unmet expectations could potentially make the trauma worse. Our response and how we react to situations can either calm the situation down or it can make the situation worse.  The work I am doing is to help people regulate their nervous systems so that no matter what gets thrown at them, however bad it is, they will be able to respond in a better way so that its not as physically and mentally painful and stressful for them.

Traumatic things, conflict, stress can be bad all on their own.

Ask yourself if your responses and reactions to those things are helping or making it worse.

Is your resistance making it worse?

Is fighting the thing making it worse?

Is fighting the system making it worse?

Sometimes you can make things easier by how you react to them.

Pause.

Acknowledge the situation.

Accept it for what it is (so many things are outside of our control)

Figure out ways to navigate around the situation, to make it easier (coaching and therapy can help with this)

What in your life are you resisting or fighting? 

What in your life is hard to accept? 

What do you wish you could change about others, or a situation (that deep down you know will probably never change)?

Are you expecting another person to change?  To see your side?  To understand you? To apologize? 

These things may never happen…

As long as you are holding on to that resistance, expecting that person to change when they won’t, it could make the conflict and stress worse.

Step back from your expectations.  Recognize things may not change.  Accept things for what they are.

How are you going to take care of yourself to be able to move forward with less stress?

How are you going to keep your nervous system regulated?

What are you going to include in your self care routine?

Activity:

Journal

10-15 minutes 

Think of something that is causing you stress or pain and free write about it

Do a giant brain dump

Feel all those bigs feelings you have been avoiding

You can use dictation software, type, or write with pen and paper (and destroy or delete afterwords if you want)

Say the things you have been avoiding saying out loud, or thinking, or feeling

Its just you and your writing practice

Let your irrational brain get it all out

10-15 minutes

Tap into your rational thinking brain

Reflect on what came up

Anything you can take action on?

Anything you want to talk to a therapist or coach about?

Any way you can adjust your expectations?

What can you learn to accept?

Decision Fatigue

Decision fatigue can be exhausting!  

Working with a coach or a thinking partner can help you to think through both small and large decisions in your life.

What are ways you can simplify your life to reduce the number of decisions you have to make in a day?

How can you prioritize things to simplify your decisions?  What do you want to put on the front burner?  What can you put on the back burner?  What can you take off your to do list?

What resources can you use to help you make your decisions?  Can you reach out to people, read something helpful, revisit a tool or resource that was helpful in making decisions in the past?

What criteria can you create to help make decisions? Can you make decisions based on deadlines, priorities, 

What can you simplify and reduce to reduce the overall amount of decisions you have to make?

What would be the consequences of not making this decision?

Other tools to help with decision fatigue:

Pro con lists

Values evaluation: is it aligned with who you are?

Vision: what will this decision and choice feel like in the future?

What advice would you give a friend about the decision?

Journal 

Service Roads

Service roads are there for a reason.  They serve a purpose.  They facilitate and provide access.  They ease maintenance and support.

What kind of regular, or not so regular, maintenance do you have in your life?

What systems do you have in place to support you when you need it?

How to shift your thinking in the direction you want to be moving

Instead of making a 180 degree turn from what you are currently doing, the goal is to shift towards the direction you want to be going incrementally.

If you are always late, you could say you are not going to be late again. A better, more achievable option would be to get there earlier than your last time.

Examples of affirmations for boundaries:

No is a complete sentence

I can do things for myself first

What kind of small affirmation can you make for yourself?